Relationships naturally have ups and downs. The goal of neurodiverse couples therapy is not to be conflict-free but rather to build skills to both approach difficult topics more intentionally and resolve conflict more effectively. By building these skills, couples can minimize the longer-term impact of conflict on their relationship. Many couples come to neurodivergent couples therapy with years of unresolved conflict. The patterns of interacting and wounds from past arguments often continue to come up in their relationship until they establish more successful ways of engaging and resolving. This article aims to provide an overview of some ways to view conflict differently and to shift behaviors for both partners to break out of the longstanding, maladaptive patterns of dealing with conflict.
Setting Conditions
Most people would not try to ice skate on gravel, so why argue in less-than-ideal settings? It is hard to slow down in conflict and think about the most effective time and place to argue but it is important to consider whether the other person is going to be able to effectively take in the information you want them to hear. A couple can do this proactively in advance, setting times and places that may be best to communicate, or they may need to pause a conversation, taking time to determine if both partners are able to be fully present in a moment. Task shifting is not just about stopping an existing activity, but it is making a mental shift to focus on what the other person is saying. While task shifting can be difficult for everyone, it may be especially challenging for individuals on the spectrum, especially if they are mid-mental task or doing a preferred activity (Miller et al., 2014).
Along with differences in task shifting, individuals on the spectrum may also have different processing styles from their neurotypical partners (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). This may look like an individual with ASD taking more time to think about a conversation or taking longer to formulate a response that reflects their true thoughts and feelings. Although longer breaks in conversations, for processing, may cause frustration for people with faster processing styles, it is imperative that each person has an opportunity to truly consider the content and participate in the conversation in a way that more honestly reflects how they feel. The Dual Processing Theory and current research with autistic adults demonstrates that individuals with autism tend to use a more deliberate style of communication verses an intuitive style (Brosnan & Ashwin, 2022). This demonstrates how being more intentional and deliberate in communication can support the neurodiverse partner. This additional processing time can lead to more meaningful, productive communication.
For some individuals, this may mean slower, more intentional discussions, which incorporates frequent breaks. For others, it may mean taking time and space away from the conversation until both partners are better prepared to actively participate and engage.
Tools During Time/Space
Taking time and space away from each other can be a valuable tool in minimizing the long-term impacts of conflict on a relationship. Without time to process and consider information, partners may say something they would not mean in other circumstances, or that does not accurately reflect their feelings in that moment. When someone perceives criticism, they may be more reactive and not take time to process the information. This can be due to the way the information is presented (i.e. as more critical in nature) or how it is being perceived (i.e. history of negative social feedback from others in their life). These highly contentious conversations can cause more intense conflict or ruptures in trust and communication. When we are considering tools to use, it is helpful to think about the varying needs of each partner.
If a partner needs more processing time:
- Determine what coping skills most effectively help regulate so they can process information and be better prepared to re-engage in a conversation.
If a partner needs less processing time:
- Journal about the experience to express emotions and thoughts immediately instead of trying to say everything to a partner in the moment. It is also useful to utilize other coping skills to help with a nervous system reset, to have more capacity for the remainder of the conversation.
Grounding in Needs
One common frustration that surfaces in neurodiverse couples work is one or both partners feeling unheard and feeling their needs are chronically under-met. This can cause long-term resentment and feelings of dissatisfaction in the relationship. When couples move toward a more “needs-focused” approach, it allows them to more consistently and successfully get their needs met. No one is capable of mind reading, but the ability to consider one’s own perspective and feelings and the perspective and feelings of their partner may be especially challenging for individuals with ASD. These challenges in perspective taking are referred to as Theory of Mind, which is a common area addressed in neurodiverse couples therapy (Andreou & Skrimpa, 2020). Since neurodivergent couples see the world differently from one another, it is important that each person states their specific needs, instead of expecting their partner to intuitively know them. This approach is neuroaffirming by acknowledging that each partner views the world differently and the only way to know definitively what someone else’s needs are is by asking directly or the person stating them explicitly.
Resolution
The goal of neurodiverse couples therapy is not to eradicate conflict. Arguments and stressful situations are a natural part of any relationship. Conflict is a difficult social scenario to navigate and brings up a myriad of emotions. Thus, it is understandable that one partner may be more conflict adverse than another. This can result in conflict occurring, not getting resolved, and accumulating. The lingering feelings of mistrust and unmet needs should be addressed to feel there is resolution around the reason the argument occurred.
Ideally, couples should set time to touch base after the difficult encounter, which can be a few minutes, a few hours, or a day, later. The purpose of this check-in is not to rehash the events or prove who is right/wrong but rather to ensure the “needs” were established and the couple can collaborate on how to meet both of those needs moving forward.
As discussed in the previous section, each partner should specifically state their needs. This allows a couple to collaborate on how to intentionally meet both of their needs in the future. This approach focuses more on the logistical task of meeting needs, which can be easier for both partners to engage in. It takes out blame and allows for a concrete resolution to occur.
Example: Susan asks Mark, who is neurodivergent, to do an important task for their son while Mark is amid finishing his workday. The next day, Susan realizes Mark did not complete the task and it brings up feelings of frustration, not only in the moment but for years of her carrying more of the mental load for their children and household. Instead of erupting in conflict, the couple stops to think about each of their needs:
- Susan states that she needs to rely on Mark to help with household tasks and trust he will complete them.
- Mark states that he needs more lead time to add things to his schedule and needs a written/visual reminder.
Susan and Mark can then collaboratively decide how they want to move forward to prevent this pattern from continuing to reemerge in their relationship. They may decide to have weekly “task” check-ins to determine who is responsible for which household tasks. This allows them to shift both tasks away from other activities and be fully present in this discussion. During this meeting, they may write a physical list of responsibilities or directly input them into their calendar as a secondary safeguard they get completed. If both partners feel buy-in with this plan, it may increase that likelihood that tasks are completed, as well as begin to rebuild trust that they are sharing in these responsibilities.
Setting Ground Rules
This article gives an overview of some of the challenges that can arise when couples have conflict, as well as explicit strategies to begin building more adaptive patterns of resolving conflict. However, it is most ideal if each couple creates their own specific set of ground rules for conflict, both in the moment of conflict and when resolving afterwards. Below are examples of effective ground rules that can be used/added to a list that each couple makes specifically for when conflicts arise.
- Good intentions: Grounding in good intentions means that you acknowledge your partner does not want to hurt you or the relationship and is bringing something up, not out of a desire to hurt, but because it is important to them.
- No “all or nothing” language: There can be lasting effects of saying things like “always” and “never” in an argument.
- Processing style: Plan for how long breaks will be during an argument, this can range from 15 minutes to a day.
Conclusion
Conflict is challenging for all couples but can be especially difficult for neurodivergent partners who may view the world differently from one another. It is imperative that couples cultivate strategies for both in-the-moment arguments and to resolve them afterwards to minimize long term impact. By pre-establishing what works best for each partner, it gives couples a roadmap for addressing conflictual situations, thus increasing their success in moving through conflict faster and with less long-term impacts. Addressing and resolving conflict takes practice and adjustments but this work is worth the effort for the long term, successful experiences of the relationship.
Leslie Sickels, LCSW, works with neurodiverse couples and individuals on the autism spectrum in New York. For more information about Leslie’s therapeutic work and neurodiverse couples therapy visit LeslieSickelsLCSW.com.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Andreou, M., & Skrimpa, V. (2020). Theory of Mind Deficits and Neurophysiological Operations in Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Review. Brain Sciences, 10(6), 393. MDPI AG. Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org/10.3390/brainsci10060393
Brosnan, M., & Ashwin, C. (2022). Thinking, fast and slow on the autism spectrum. Autism, 27(5), 1245–1255. https://doi.org/10.1177/13623613221132437
Miller, H. L., Ragozzino, M. E., Cook, E. H., Sweeney, J. A., & Mosconi, M. W. (2014). Cognitive Set Shifting Deficits and Their Relationship to Repetitive Behaviors in Autism Spectrum Disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 45(3), 805–815. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-014-2244-1
