The transition into adulthood is a major shift for any family, but parents of autistic and neurodivergent young adults often face additional layers of complexity. You’ve spent years helping them navigate systems, environments, and expectations that weren’t always designed with them in mind. As they approach adulthood, parents are balancing encouragement for independence with the reality that support structures change, responsibilities increase, and the path forward isn’t always clear. It’s not about fear; it’s about navigating a transition that requires new skills, new resources, and a new kind of partnership.
Amy with MICC Ambassadors Class
I’ve supported hundreds of families through that process at MICC — Minnesota Independence College and Community — and now, as my own kids take their first steps into navigating independent life, I’m realizing just how universal those feelings are. No matter how much we know, this stage stretches us.
Over the years, I’ve learned a great deal, both as a professional working alongside neurodivergent young adults during one of the most significant transitions of their lives, and as a parent of two now-college-age children finding their own way in the world. My experience at MICC has shaped my leadership, my perspective, and most of all, my parenting. I’ve given countless pieces of advice to new families joining our community, but as I watch my own kids step into independence, I find myself needing to take that very same advice. And let me tell you…it’s still hard.
Happiness and Confidence Aren’t the Goal
If you ask most parents what they want for their child, you’ll hear the same thing I do year after year: “I just want them to be happy and confident.”
As a mom, I completely relate to this. But as someone who has spent over two decades educating college-age neurodivergent adults, I know that happiness and confidence aren’t goals we can directly give to our children. They’re outcomes. By-products.
What I have witnessed is that true happiness and confidence come from trying new things, failing and trying again, hard work, making decisions (good and bad), forming friendships, and contributing to something bigger than oneself. These are not gifts we can wrap up and hand to our kids, they’re skills they must earn one step at a time.
Amy Gudmestad and her family at a Wisconsin Badgers game
Our Real Job as Parents
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is this: Our job as parents is not to make our children’s lives easy. It’s to prepare them for life without us.
That means stepping back, and this is a hard one because I know with the first few steps back, we likely see failure or disappointment appear, and that hurts parents’ hearts. We don’t like how it feels, but with every opportunity for them to experience those negative feelings, the more they will build their intuition, which we want them to rely on as they move into their adult lives.
As parents, we need to give them opportunities to solve problems, advocate for themselves, stumble, and grow. What was once our job when they were children, to fix things, speak up for them, can become limiting to their personal growth when they’re adults. Independence requires practice. And practice requires us, as parents and caregivers, to let go of control, even when every fiber of our being wants to step in and help.
The Power of “Let Them Be”
At many colleges, parents hear the same advice at orientation: “Let them go.” In my role, I say something different: “Let them be.”
- Let them be themselves.
- Let them ask their own questions and be curious.
- Let them make mistakes and cope with the consequences.
- Let them form friendships, try new things, and explore the world.
When we let them be, they gain the skills and resilience to create their own happiness and confidence. Letting them be doesn’t mean stepping away completely, it means partnering differently. I always ask myself – what type of parent does my adult child need me to be, that helps me show up in our new relationship.
For Parents: Shifting Energy
If you’re like me, your instinct is to pour all your time and energy into your child’s journey. But here’s the truth: while they are learning, you need to keep living (and learning) too.
Give yourself permission to invest in your own relationships, hobbies, and adventures. Become interesting; so, when you FaceTime your young adult, you can share what you’ve been up to after they tell you about their week. This not only benefits you, but it also demonstrates to them that life continues to expand at every age.
Hard Truths and Beautiful Growth
I won’t sugarcoat it: your young adult will likely fail at something when experiencing independence for the first time. My mom-heart aches even when writing that. But it’s in those failures that I’ve seen the greatest growth. When our children pick themselves up, show resilience, and keep going, that’s when their confidence shines the brightest.
Trusting yourself, the transition plan you’ve made with your child, and the guidance of advisors will make all the difference. When families partner with an organization like MICC (or other programs that meet your neurodivergent child’s needs) that provide guidance, skill-building, and coaching, parents can step into a new role — supportive and encouraging — without carrying the entire load alone. With that trust and partnership, you can approach this next stage of independence with your own confidence, knowing your young adult has the structure and support they need to succeed.
My Parenting Reality
Now, as I drop my own kids off at college, I’m standing right where many of you are, torn between wanting to protect them and knowing I need to prepare them. It’s humbling to realize that, despite my years of experience, my heart still struggles with the same things yours does.
And maybe that’s the point. Parenting changes, and with those changes comes new wisdom.
So, as I head into this new parenting stage with you, I’ll keep reminding myself of the lessons my life at MICC has taught me:
- Happiness and confidence are earned, not given.
- Our job is to prepare, not protect.
- And the most powerful thing we can do is let them be.
Here’s to the next stage of growth…for our young adults, and for us as parents too!
Amy Gudmestad is the Chief Executive Officer of MICC (Minnesota Independence College and Community). For more information, email info@micc.org, call (612) 869-4008, or visit micc.org.
