One of the most heart-wrenching things I realized as a late-identified Autistic woman was just how disconnected I was from my true self. Decades of masking, of becoming a professional-level chameleon, left me feeling like I didn’t even know who “me” was anymore. It was this constant, buzzing, high-alert state, mixed with exhaustion that I just accepted as normal. I figured everyone felt like they were just barely surviving, and I was just really bad at it.
And honestly? It started so young. That constant pushing, that feeling of never being enough, led to my first burnout at six years old. Yes, six. I was that “mature,” “gregarious,” “excelling” child, the one who seemed to have it all together. But inside? I was falling apart, and no one noticed.
One of the Top 20 Burnout Warning Signs for Autistic women and girls is suicidal ideation. I’ve been that kid sobbing on her bed, telling her mom she just wanted to die. And I’ve been that mom, holding my son as he said those same words. It’s a gut-wrenching experience, no matter which side you’re on.
These signs get missed, not because anyone’s a bad parent or support person, but because we simply didn’t know what to look for. So, let’s dig in and talk about what those signs are, where they come from, and how we can help.
Burnout Warning Signs: More Than Just Meltdowns
Think of meltdowns and shutdowns as flashing red lights, not the problem itself. They’re telling us someone feels unsafe. And the more those lights flash, the closer we are to burnout. Masking and camouflaging? They’re useful tools; however, when they become survival tools and our default, when we’re constantly pretending to be someone else, it takes a toll, mainly on our identity. This is one of the main reasons almost every late-identified autistic woman I’ve spoken with says, “I don’t know who I am.” And why late identification is also an identity crisis for so many of us.
I’ve identified five common masking styles for autistic girls and women:
- The Chameleon: Blends in, mirrors others.
- The Script Reader: Relies on learned social rules.
- The Performer: Uses charm and humor. (Yeah, that’s me!
) - The Observer: Quietly analyzes social cues.
- The Integrator: Combines all the styles. (This was me for most of my life.)
We all have a natural style, and when used as a tool, they can be helpful, but when it’s driven by fear, it leads to burnout and a loss of our identity.
The Root of Burnout: Beyond Surface Level
Autistic burnout isn’t your run-of-the-mill burnout. It’s a spicy kind of burnout, fueled by unmet needs, leading to meltdowns, shutdowns, skill loss, chronic exhaustion, and that awful feeling of disconnection. Unlike typical burnout, it’s distinct from depression and not usually caused by a single health condition. I look at it in nine areas: sensory, communication, executive function, sleep, emotion, skills, and more. General burnout inventories? They only cover about three to five.
And here’s the kicker: burnout shows up externally before we even feel it internally. It’s in those little changes, like suddenly not making your bed when you always do because you love and value a tidy bed at night. Those are the signs we need to pay attention to.
Roots of Burnout in Autistic Women and Girls: Lack of Safety and Trust
Lack of internal emotional safety and self-trust are the biggest culprits. I found this after surveying over 120 autistic women and interviewing nearly as many.
From a young age, we’re told we’re “wrong.” We’re “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” “too much.” Our feelings are dismissed, and our sensory needs are invalidated. We learn it’s not safe to be ourselves, so we start masking.
And then there’s the lack of self-trust. When I asked about basic human needs, it wasn’t a lack of trust in others that stood out; it was a lack of trust in themselves. We internalize those messages, and we start to doubt ourselves. We can’t trust that what we experience or even feel is real or right. It’s heartbreaking.
This erosion of self-trust leads to burnout, showing up as communication struggles, including situational mutism, sensory overload, meltdowns, shutdowns, and more masking, often resulting in an integration style of masking where an individual uses all four masking styles in a single interaction. The energy drain is tremendous, and maintaining this is even more so. And for women going through puberty, pregnancy, perimenopause, or dealing with co-occurring conditions like POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), the risks are even higher.
Burnout Prevention: Nurturing Safety and Trust
The solution? Supportive self-discovery. We need to create environments where emotions are validated and self-trust is nurtured from the very beginning.
Here’s how:
- Practice compassionate curiosity: When they share an experience that you don’t have, or that doesn’t make sense to you, get compassionately curious. Ask them to tell you more about that. Listen without judgment but with an open heart and mind. Share your experience in return, discussing how they may be similar and different.
- Assume good intent: Approach every conversation, interaction, and experience by assuming good intent. Lead with your heart, especially with yourself.
To My Autistic Sisters
You are whole, you are enough, just as you are. I see your beautiful light, and it’s time for you to shine. You were born to sparkle! It’s time to “Get into your comfort zone” because we’ve spent way too much time being uncomfortable.
Joyfully yours,
Carole Jean 
Burnout-free since November 2019
Carole Jean Whittington is the Chief Well-Being Officer and Lead Researcher at Whittington Well-Being. For more information, visit whittingtonwellbeing.com or email energize@whittingtonwellbeing.com.
