The right course of action in life is usually a mean between two extremes. For example, if I am a student who wants to do well in school, my path runs between the opposing extremes of not studying on the one hand and consistently pulling all-nighters with the books on the other. And if this principle holds for academics, it is no less true for our mental, emotional, and social lives. When I say “our,” I, of course, include those of us who have autism spectrum disorders (ASDs).
There are two extremes related to the emotional and social lives of people on the spectrum. One is the temptation to be overly self-critical. I would venture to say that this is imbibed, at least in part, from the reactions of neurotypical people who fail to understand the “hidden disability” with which autism can often burden intelligent people who seem otherwise “normal.”
But there is an opposite extreme, equally to be avoided and perhaps more harmful on account of the subtlety of its effects. This extreme is the habit of making excuses.
“I know I tend to speak off the cuff in ways that hurt people. But I have autism, so there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“I know I shouldn’t interrupt people, but I have an excuse. It’s called autism.”
“I know I’m capable of going far in life, but attending college and putting in the work is going to be hard because I have certain preferred routines and idiosyncratic challenges due to my autism. That gives me a pass.”
Examples could be multiplied ad infinitum. Not so with the number of times such excuses have actually helped the people making them.
Those on the autism spectrum are not the only ones who make excuses. Unfortunately, this is an all too common human practice. But one could argue that the habit of self-justification brings perils to the autistic experience that one might, perhaps, not find elsewhere.
I am what some would call a “word nerd,” so I will preface my explanation by asking readers to indulge in a brief foray into etymology. Excuse is derived from the Latin excusare, which combines two words: ex, meaning “out of,” and causa, meaning “cause.”
People often comment on how excuses impede people’s growth and stifle potential. This is very true, but it seems the problem runs deeper than that. If we understand our term according to the aforementioned etymology, to make excuses is essentially to exile oneself from causality, from the ability to effect change or to accomplish anything. One thus ends up fostering a sense of passivity and lack of agency.
This already tends to be a problem for people with ASDs. Shore (2003) speaks of difficulties in self-advocacy stemming, in part, from the fact that “many people on the autism spectrum (. . .) fail to realize that changes can be made” (p. 173). While this is technically a separate issue from self-justification, one need not look hard to see the potential for the latter to make matters worse.
Nor is this a mere layman’s speculation. Within the context of an article on the impact of excuse-making on mental health in general, Balaisis (2023, para. 13) cites a warning on this subject that merits consideration: “In his book Neurosis: The Logic of a Metaphysical Illness [sic], [Wolfgang] Giegerich argues that this externalization of the symptom makes it impossible to rid ourselves of it: ‘Self-pity, being ashamed, feeling inferior, feeling unfairly victimized, complaining about one’s symptoms: these are different modes of secretly staying in love with one’s neurosis.’”
Granting that ASDs and neuroses are not synonymous; they do share some experiential overlap and present similar challenges. Moreover, we ASD folks are just as prone as anyone else to the temptation of clinging to a victim mentality.
But let us return to the proposed impossibility of freedom from symptoms when we blame everything on external agents. The reason for this becomes plain when we consider the fact that none of us can control what other people say or do and that our ability to control external events, in general, can only extend so far, but we can control our own actions, and we can take responsibility for our own choices. Without a healthy sense of agency and responsibility, one can accomplish nothing — including the management of ASD symptoms.
This principle and its psychological and cosmological implications were once beautifully summarized in a few lines from a play:
I must tell you
That I should really like to think there’s something wrong with
me —
Because, if there isn’t, then there’s something wrong
(. . .)
With the world itself — and that’s much more frightening!
That would be terrible. So I’d rather believe
There is something wrong with me, that could be put right.
I’d do anything you told me, to get back to normality. (Eliot, 185/1967)
Here, we see an acknowledgment of not only the problem of passivity but also that of conceiving reality at large as fatally hostile. This is yet another temptation with which people on the spectrum — with their sensory sensitivities, different ways of thinking, and experiences of misunderstandings and failures — already struggle.
Autism can be a very isolating experience under normal circumstances, and the psychology of self-justification has the potential to make said isolation worse. And if isolation can happen with regard to one’s conception of the self-world relationship, it can also appear in the effects of excuse-making on interpersonal relationships.
Something that was brought to my attention recently was that people with disabilities (ASD or otherwise) must themselves often be prompted to have patience with their disabled peers. It is not uncommon to have to remind them that different people learn and think differently and that this is not necessarily a bad thing. What we find in these situations is that the very people who want inclusion and understanding fail to provide inclusion and understanding to others.
An overly self-critical attitude can certainly lead to this. According to a time-honored saying, no one can give what they do not themselves possess. Lack of patience with oneself can decrease a person’s ability to deal with the frustrations caused by the behavior of others.
But the opposing extreme may equally tend to this outcome. Remember, the habit of self-acquittal can lead to a (perhaps unconscious) sense of the world, or at least certain persons and/or forces within that world, being the problem. We thus more readily find threats, obstacles, and annoyances “out there” because all of our problems are externalized.
When, on the other hand, we acknowledge the fact that we all have faults and shortcomings we need to rectify as best we can, this puts our annoyance with others in perspective. When we recognize that all of us — whether on or off the spectrum — are imperfect human beings on a journey toward wholeness, we see that it is in our interest to bear with one another, to counsel one another as appropriate, and to rise and fall together. Personal progress, forbearance in our relationships with others, and patience with ourselves go hand in hand.
We ASD folks do indeed struggle with issues we cannot help. Those who know and work with us should realize that, and we, ourselves, should not surrender to an unhealthy sense of guilt. On the other hand, we must also own our share of responsibility as agents in the world — on behalf of ourselves and others. We may use our disability as an explanation, but never as an excuse.
Putting all this into practice is hard. But when we take the beams out of our eyes, the world looks a whole lot brighter.
Daniel Crofts is a 40-year-old man with Asperger Syndrome. He has an MA in English/Literature from the State University of New York College at Brockport and experience in freelance journalism, substance abuse prevention, online higher education, and service to children, youth, and adults with disabilities. He works as a direct support professional for Arc GLOW’s IGNITE program, which provides a college experience to young adults with disabilities and is also at work on a memoir about life on the autism spectrum. He may be contacted at danielcrofts31@yahoo.com.
References
Balaisis, N. (2023, January 5). Using mental health as an excuse for bad behavior. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-devices-our-selves/202301/using-mental-health-as-an-excuse-for-bad-behavior
Eliot, T.S. (1967). The cocktail party. In The complete plays of T.S. Eliot (editor unavailable) (pp. 123-214). Harcourt, Brace & World.
Shore, S. (2003). Beyond the wall: Personal experiences with autism and Asperger syndrome (2nd ed.). Autism Asperger Publishing Co.
