We spend a lot of time in the Autism community focused on children and how to support their needs. I admit this is the focus of my career, but we sometimes forget that autistic children become autistic adults. And while progress is often made as autistic people age and mature, there will often always be a level of support needed. Even for those of us who “mask” fairly well and can pass in most situations as neurotypical, we still have support needs. In many cases, I would argue those of us who can mask better are often overlooked compared to many who are more “obviously autistic” and have difficulty masking.
In my life, I have had people tell me that I don’t “look autistic,” whatever that means. I did not know there was a way to look autistic. I have also had people say, “But you seem so normal,” without explaining what normal means. I have had people say to me (with no disrespect to her, of course), “But you are not like Temple Grandin,” assuming all autistic people must be just like her. I have had people assume because I am an attorney that, I might have “conquered” my autism. As many in the community have said, just because we have “lower support needs” than others does not mean we do not need support.
In my experience, people will see someone stimming who is either non-speaking or has limited verbal ability and looks developmentally behind, they often will assume that is someone with Autism. In many of those cases, services and support are available when the person lacks the ability to be independent in performing even basic tasks. Of course, there are assumptions made since there are many non-speaking autistics who are able to be independent. Obviously, when those life skills include toileting or feeding oneself, and someone needs support, it becomes readily apparent. However, many of us who have graduated college and/or graduate/professional school and are able to mostly take care of ourselves independently are overlooked because people assume we don’t need support, and yet most of us do. In some cases (I will admit this applies to me), we require emotional support. Some people need help with certain tasks involving executive functioning, like buying groceries, managing money, and other things, but people just assume they can do these things because they “seem normal.”
One thing I have found both in children and adults with autism is that many of us, in order to not create trouble or make a situation uncomfortable if we understand that might happen, suppress feelings and thoughts inside and suffer in silence. Rather than address an uncomfortable situation we suppress these feelings and let them fester inside of us until something worse might happen or it affects our health. I have seen this with both children and adults where people will say, “But he seemed so normal,” without asking what was going on inside. On the other hand, those with greater support needs will often not be socially aware, so they will just say whatever is on their mind or not realize an awkward situation. Many of us spend years learning what not to say, so we just keep it inside and let it bother us so we do not upset the other person.
What we need is the understanding that just because we are on the Autism Spectrum and everything appears well does not mean that we do not have support needs. I think one thing that others can do is to ask autistic adults if they know “How are you doing?” and if there is anything upsetting them or that they need help with. One thing that goes a long way is telling autistic friends and family, “I love you,” “I care about you,” or something similar to that, to let them know they are valued and wanted and not seen as disposable. I can personally say it took me a long time to realize people actually wanted to be my friends and were not doing it out of a feeling of pity or obligation.
So, if you have an autistic adult in your life, whether a friend, family member or something else, let them know they are appreciated and have value in your and others’ lives. Ask them if there is anything bothering them that they might want to speak about or that they need help with. Just always remember just because someone can mask or “appear normal” does not mean they do not need help.
Michael Gilberg, Esq., is a Special Education Attorney representing families and Self-Advocate and can be reached at michaelgilbergesq@gmail.com or www.michaelgilbergesq.com.
