While many neurotypical adults move away from home at some point in their 20s, many autistic adults like me may live at home well into their later adult years (Marsack-Topolewski et al., 2021). This isn’t because we’re failing but rather because we need more time to reach our various milestones compared to our neurotypical peers (Smith et al., 2012). However, society’s standards can make it seem like we’re failing when it is for sure far from the truth. Indeed, there is stigma with living with your parents past a certain age (Grady, 2023), and that can be a difficult weight for many autistics to carry over our shoulders.
Here, I go over my experiences, expert insights, and relevant research to explain how a support-autonomy balance can look much different for autistic adults and why we need to rethink what independence is, as this is long overdue for society.
My Story: What is My Semi-Independence Situation Like?
As of right now, I’m 31 years old (will be 32 in July 2025), and I still live with my parents. This summer, I’ll be moving to a different town with my parents, over two hours away. However, instead of sharing every single space with my parents, I’ll have my own basement apartment in their bungalow with my own kitchen, living room, and storage areas for the first time ever. Plus, I’ll take care of my own food, bills and repairs once I fully get the hang of it, which I’m at least moderately confident that I will do so. Although we’re still technically under the same roof, I’ll have more control over my spaces than I ever have before.
But, even with this big leap in independence for me, I still feel as if I’m not quite there in society’s eyes. To many people, in my experience, unless I move out entirely and live completely alone or with a partner or roommate, the growth somehow doesn’t count, which is really unfortunate. However, this lifestyle change is a major milestone for me. For a change, I’ll be able to manage my daily problems and gain practical independence in ways that fully work for me.
The Hidden Stigma of Staying at Home
As shallow as this is, cultural norms continue to celebrate moving away from parents as a must-do as early as possible in adulthood. But here’s the reality: Such a milestone is deeply tied to neurotypical timelines and values instead of taking into account that not everyone is able to grow the same way. For some autistic adults, if they move out too soon primarily because society tells them to or do so without enough support, this can lead to burnout, depression, or an overall decrease in daily functioning (Raymaker et al., 2020).
Personal Reflection
I’ve read stories where autistic people have rushed into full-time jobs, romantic partners that weren’t suited for them, or moved away from home too soon (by their early 20s) only to be completely burnt out, sometimes to the point of developing not just mental but physical issues or illnesses. While I do acknowledge how important it is to take risks, I also try to realistically assess what kind of challenges I can handle and grow from and what challenges will be too much for me to deal with.
Sometimes, this has worked out better than others because, like anyone, I’m still not always the best judge of what will work out. I’ve had employment gaps, executive functioning issues, and extremely stressful situations that I didn’t initially think would happen, and I even dropped out of my second college program after two months in 2014 (first and third ones worked out much better).
Also, some concepts like remembering steps for cooking certain meals, budgeting, and home repairs I still haven’t fully got the hang of yet, and I’ve spent so much of my life trying to develop skills that others quickly took for granted at much younger ages than I have. However, just because I’ve lived at home longer, it doesn’t mean that I’m not progressing. I’m more independent now than I was 10 or even five years ago, and that means a great deal to me.
Why Some Autistic Adults Need Extended Support
In addition to the things I mentioned, numerous autistic people face systemic challenges when it comes to being a fully independent adult, which include, but are not limited to:
Executive functioning issues: Many autistics may have trouble managing their daily routines, multitasking, and planning (Demetriou et al., 2018).
Financial instability: Because autistic people tend to struggle more with long-term unemployment or underemployment than their neurotypical peers (Davies et al., 2024), they may struggle to do things that will help them continue to be truly independent. Buying a lot of groceries and paying for other essentials isn’t easy when you’re in poverty, which is, unfortunately, common for many people on the spectrum (Laube, 2024).
Motor planning difficulties: Motor planning challenges may mean that autistics may have more difficulties with tasks such as fixing broken appliances (Miller et al., 2023).
Sensory sensitivities: On occasions, some house settings may be too loud (Williams et al., 2020), bright (Nair et al., 2022), or unpredictable (Jenkinson et al.l, 2020) for autistics to be able to manage their skills and routines.
Even when you factor in the fact that autistics often have average to above-average intelligence in many areas (Wolff et al., 2022), the above factors can still interfere with our day-to-day living. Many of us do, indeed, need more time or structured support to know what to do when the toughest independent living situations come up.
Expert Insight: How Important It Is to Rethink Independence
Fortunately, autism advocates have been proactive in pushing for a greater societal understanding of what it means to be independent (Bhattacharya et al., 2025) and that it doesn’t always have to mean meeting neurotypical milestones (Connolly, 2024).
Wendela Whitcomb Marsh, an award-winning author, speaker, and adult autism assessment specialist, says in a video interview, “You may have, if you’ve ever had an IEP, had other people write goals for you; things that they think you should be achieving. Well, now you’re an adult. You can decide for yourself what do you want to change and what do you want to keep the same” (2020).
Practical Suggestions for Families and Professionals
If you’re a caregiver, clinician, or support professional, you should think about the best ways to help autistic adults in your life become more independent:
- Individualized goals: There should always be an emphasis on what the person is ready for and not what their age “should” dictate.
- Skill-based milestones and celebrating them: Try to track the person’s growth on even the smallest of functional gains, such as managing a budget, and not focus on where the person lives. No matter how much they achieve, you should definitely praise what they’re doing right. With me, at least, praise really helps me get more motivated than usual.
- Shame-free communication: Do avoid using language that suggests a person being dependent is wrong or something they should be ashamed of. Also, try not to come across as patronizing. In other words, be empathetic.
Let’s Do Our Parts in Rethinking Independence
Like most things in life, one-size-fits-all is never the best route to go, and independence is no exception. For many of us, our path to autonomy is often complex, full of speedbumps, nonlinear, and super personal. When we focus too much of the conversation on the stigma of living at home past a certain age, it only serves to slow any progress that we make behind the scenes while we’re still living with our folks.
Instead of asking, “Why haven’t you moved out yet?” a better question is, “What supports are helping you move forward?” Because when autistic people are given the space and time to grow without judgment, that’s when we thrive the most.
Cory Morrison is a Freelance Writer. He can be reached by email at corymorrison93@gmail.com or phone at (647) 338-9095.
References
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Grady, K. (2023, Oct 17). Why is there still so much stigma attached to moving back in with your parents?. Vogue. https://www.vogue.com/article/stigma-moving-back-in-with-your-parents
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