Small talk is often declared the bane of existence to those on the spectrum everywhere. An inane social ritual where you’re expected to exchange obvious facts about the weather and be happier for it.
But small talk is your foot in the door for communication. If you’re trying to branch out more socially, you’re not getting very far without it. It’s an essential step in getting to know people, one that (generally) can’t be skipped.
I’m not going to pretend to be some small talk expert. I’m sure some could break down the social expectations and purpose of small talk into an exact science.
But I have realized, through talking with others on the spectrum, that I’ve acquired a decent understanding of small talk. With this article, I hope some of the insights I’ve gained can help others as well.
To prevent this from becoming a jumble of thoughts, I’ve attempted to add some organization to my tips. I’ll be listing them out in broad categories.
These tips should apply whether you’re trying to make a new friend or just exchanging pleasantries with the cashier.
What Is It With the Weather?
Small talk provides easy common ground to start a conversation. This is especially valuable for strangers who know nothing about each other. Unless you have the magical power of mind reading, you have no idea what some random person on the street might be interested in talking about. But you can find something in common in any situation; just look at your shared surroundings.
This is why weather is the small talk go-to. As banal of a topic as it is, there is no denying that all of us are aware of it and affected by it. Even if you spend the entire day indoors, that doesn’t mean conditions outside are irrelevant to you. If you do need to go outside later, it’s good to be warned if the next biblical flood is coming or if it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.
I often use the weather as a conversation starter with others when I don’t know what else to talk about. If nothing else, it can give me time to think of how to get a conversational ball rolling. Plus, sometimes I just want to complain about something, and the weather can often be a worthy candidate. Which brings me to…
Find Something to Complain About Together
People love to complain. There is something so cathartic about sharing our grievances with a sympathetic ear. Being that sympathetic ear is your conversational in.
When striking up a conversation this way, don’t get too personal with your woes. You should try to bond over a mutually shared inconvenience (like bad weather!). Offering someone space to gripe together can be an instant conversation starter. If you’re stuck in line at airport security, maybe you can at least be stuck in line together.
Start the conversation with a statement about how much the current situation sucks, though keep it light. Maybe throw in a little anecdote about the last time you were in such a situation, or make a joke if that’s your thing. If the other person is receptive to being chatted up, the conversation can flow from there.
And once you have someone’s willing ear, maybe you can eventually move on to…
Find a Topic You Both Want to Talk About
When looking for a topic of conversation, your first thought may go to your special interest. You could talk about it all day! But when you’re with a stranger or a casual acquittance, you don’t know if your inclination to nerd out will be met warmly or have them sneakily trying to check the time. To the wrong audience, an infodump makes the conversation one-sided.
Finding something you and your conversation partner both find interesting is important. My go-to subject when trying to find common ground is travel. I love talking about places I’ve been, and most people usually have a passing interest in hearing me out.
You can also take context clues about a person’s interests from what they’re carrying or wearing. If you’re lucky, you’ll find your conversation starter there.
Even if common ground is hard to find, there may be some life experiences you broadly share: tackling a big project at school/work, planning a big family gathering, preparing for a big trip, and many other common life events. A tip I picked up long ago was that you can create a feeling of depth and closeness in a conversation by sharing personal stories. It can be helpful to have a few anecdotes stored in your back pocket for such occasions.
But, when in doubt during small talk, you can always turn to this next tip…
Ask People About Themselves
Carrying a conversation is hard, but asking people to tell you about themselves is always an option!
This is also a good way to learn about the common interests and experiences you might share with a person. As I’ve pointed out, this is the real key to preventing small talk from becoming an impossible slog.
Even if the worst comes to pass, and you find yourself chatting with someone you can’t seem to find a single thing in common with, getting them to talk about themselves (something many people love to do) is the real lifesaver. In any small talk situation, it takes two to tango. Ask them about their job or their plans for the day. Whatever you ask, make sure it’s something they can answer easily. Even if you don’t find their answer interesting, it will at least keep the conversation going.
Of course, if your conversation partner is polite, they’ll ask you about yourself in turn. That’s when it’s important to remember that there are certain boundaries to what’s considered acceptable in small talk…
What Is “Too Personal”?
In this article, I’ve recommended not getting “too personal.” Yet, at the same time, I advocate the importance of drawing on your own experiences to form a connection during a conversation. So, then, what’s the deal? Should you share personal stuff about yourself or not?
This is the thing about small talk most of us on the spectrum get hung up on. It’s another one of those frustratingly vague social norms that others seem to understand intuitively.
I would say the best rule of thumb for this is to avoid focusing on the negative. When sharing about yourself, it’s good to stick to positive details. Fun vacations, plans with friends, a new outfit you bought, or anything that makes you feel happier talking about it. Conversely, anything that makes you upset, even when thinking about it, should be steered clear. Things like negative experiences at work, fights with loved ones, or any bad news in general.
When someone shares something positive, we generally know the reaction they want: congratulations of some kind. But when it comes to sharing something negative, different people want different responses. Some want to hear things will be ok, others want empathy or sympathy, and still others want advice. It’s impossible to tell what a stranger wants. It can feel like other people “just know the rules” when it comes to social interactions, but no one likes navigating an uncertain situation blind. That’s a feeling most of us on the spectrum can understand. When you start venting to a stranger, you force them into that difficult situation.
My tip about shared complaining is an exception to this, but only because the shared experience prevents it from being one-sided.
There’s also one more thing I’d like you to keep in mind…
Nothing Works 100%
Don’t mistake this article for an infallible how-to guide for small talk. I don’t want to present it that way. I’m not drawing from anything other than my own experiences and what others I’ve talked to have told me.
But even if I could cite a million papers that proved every tip I gave in this article was backed by undeniable scientific rigor… it still wouldn’t be an infallible how-to guide.
One of the most frustrating things about social interactions is that you can follow all the “rules” and still mess things up.
When attempting to do more small talk, you have to accept that some of your attempts will fall flat. A joke won’t land, your words won’t interest someone, or that person may just refuse to engage with you. It’s hard not to take these things personally. I don’t even succeed at not taking it personally. Yet, one of the biggest secrets to getting more comfortable approaching others is learning to shrug off failure.
Go out and chat with strangers more. Try to meet new people and maybe make some friends. Small talk can be your starting point, but where the conversation goes… well, that can be up to luck.
Still, the more you try, the better your chances will be.
Rachel Guttentag is an Autistic Self-Advocate and can be reached at ryerguttentag@gmail.com.
